Victoria Station, 1957
Universal Aunt to take my hand
The train from platform 5
Fear
Unaware
Grown ups pressing in
"Mummy, please don’t go."
My hold on your hand,
Roughly broken.
"Come on, you have to go"
"Why?" I cry, soundlessly.
"What wrong have I done to you?"

Victoria Station, 1957
Teacher to take my hand
The train to Tunbridge Wells
Bereft
Empty
Unknowing
Children pressing in.
My tears on my face
Roughly wiped.
"Your mother’s gone, dear"
"Why?" I cry silently
"What wrong have I done to you?"

Kent College, 1957
Matron to take my hand
The school in Tunbridge Wells
Abandoned
Unwanted
Terror pressing in
The hollow in my tummy,
Roughly ignored
"Stop that silly noise, child"
"Why?" I cry wordlessly
"What wrong have I done to you?"

Kent College, 1957
No one to take my hand Agony
The night in Tunbridge Wells
Torture
Uncomprehending
Anguish pressing in
The torment in my heart
Totally unheard
"It is the best for you," they said
"Why?" I scream out loudly
"What wrong have you done to me?"

Dear God,
Why am I being sent away?
“It’s best for you.” is what they say
Was it that best glass I broke?
Or because I played a joke
Was it the writing on the wall?
Or because I took that ball,
Was it because I pulled Tigger’s tail?
Or because I began to wail?

Was it being sick on the bed?
Or because I stood on my head?
Was it ’cos I tore my frock?
Or because I lost my sock?

Was it ‘cos I argued with Mummy?
Then I thought it was really funny?

Was it because I stole those sweets?
Were they meant for others treats?
Was it ‘cos my shoes were muddy?
Then I went in Daddy’s study.

Was it ‘cos I told a lie?
“Cross my heart and hope to die”
Is it ‘cos I’m “the brat from hell”?
Or because I wasn’t well?

Is it because they want another?
Am I getting a baby brother?

Am I really very bad?
Have I made them really mad?

Or is it because they don’t really care?
Whether or not I’m even there.
Dear God
Don’t let them send me away
I have truly tried to be good today

Then ----------I was a child, Now ---------I am almost grown
Then ----------I was not there, Now ---------I am nearly there
Then ----------I did not understand, Now ---------I try to understand
Then ----------I was alone, Now ---------I am not so alone
Then ----------I was empty, Now ---------I am nearly full
Then ----------I did not care, Now ---------I try to care
Then ----------They told me lies, Now ---------I know the truth
Then ----------You sent me away, Now ---------I have come back
Then ----------I could not feel, Now ---------I am learning to feel
Then ----------I was in a black hole, Now---------My hole has turned to grey
Then ---------You rejected me, Now ---------I am told you loved me
Then ----------I had no friends, Now ---------I have friends in abundance
Then ----------I had no sanctuary, Now ---------I have somewhere to hide
Then ----------I hated you, Now ---------I think I Iove you
Then ----------I needed you, Now ---------I am learning to live without you
Then ----------I could not ask you “Why”?, Now ---------I know “Why?”
Then ----------I could not see, Now ---------My vision is less clouded
Then ----------I had no future, Now ---------I am looking for a future
Then ----------I could not forgive, Now ---------I want to forgive
APRIL 14th ----------You murdered my life
APRIL 14th ----------You killed yourself

Locked in a mind that is not real
That does not know just how to feel
Locked in a mind that does not know
Where the stream of life should flow
Locked in a mind that hides away
From the ice cold light of day
Locked in a mind that can only see
Just what torture life can be
Locked in a mind that hurts so much
That does not know loves gentle touch
Locked in a mind that wants to flee
Away from a world of reality
Locked in a mind so clouded with fog
It’s going mad like a rabid dog
Locked in a mind entombed in stone
Oh, so frightened of being alone
Locked in a mind, without the key
That I need to be really me
Set Free
A mind set free from a shroud of mist
Will be a mind that does exist
A mind set free by others care
They should know for they’ve been there
A mind set free to grow and grow
It will find how life should flow
A mind set free at the gates of hell
To lie at peace in loves sweet shell
A mind set free from its bed of stone
No longer will it be alone
A mind set free, I’ve found my key
And now I can be really me

You opened the doors for me
The ones in my mind
You uncovered my soul for me
The one in my heart
You showed me a purpose
The one in my life
You offered your love to me
The one in your being
You held out your hands to me
The ones that I took
You soothed all my cuts for me
The ones that I feel
You lifted my load for me
The one that I carry
You found the right path for me
The one I should travel
You will always be near me
The one that I cherish

Your face, it has faded
Your voice, it is gone
But the love I received
Will always go on

An eviction from my mother's womb.
A disembowelment?
Undulating
Oozing across her
Like eviscerate blossoms
Screaming at the injustice
of its existence

A monster child, no gift from God.
A cry from Hades.
Untouchable
Scattering the world with issue
From a ravaged gut
A raging infant full of pain
And torment

A tiny discharge, clinging to life
Unable to surrender to
Quietus
Atonement for sins unknown?
Humanity rejected?
A wounded fragment
Inwardly shattered

How could she have suffered
To look upon that
Aberration
And found the child beloved?