Screaming Conflicts going around in my head,
When I know I should really be sound asleep in my bed.
I would go and seek some help,
But frightened it will be seen as a cry or a yelp
Or just another abandonment and rejection
Or even my big fear being put under section.

So I sit here at wits end but still trying
And end up sat in a heap crying
As I don’t know which way to turn
As I seem to make so many mistakes in return I burn
I try so hard to make and keep Friends
But so many times I just get hurt and it ends.
I don’t understand
Why, when I sit and support and hold there hand.

I wish I could end this pain and feeling of POO
And of course the pain you lot suffers endure too.

I wish I could sleep,
Just like normal peeps,
but it seems like these screaming thoughts
will just sit there and give me the haunts.

I feel like giving in
Cause there’s no way I can win
I know you have felt pretty much the same way
It was caring and nice of you to say
It takes courage and guts
Pity there is some almighty buts
& barriers in the way
and it’s the likes of us that have to pay
our selves are so misunderstood
But they bloody damn well could
If only they listened
And didn’t judge

I sit here and try
But just made to cry,
My parents you see
insult and hurt me,
without a concern
of how I might be torn,
by there words
that feel like hot razor swords
deep down inside,
the scars on my inner side
they deny I am ill
they think if I just take a pill
I will be fine again
And be once again sane.

They don’t realise
they are the cause
of my torment and distress
which has in turn left me in such a mess.
If only I could get them to understand
The illness that across this land
Seems to be a hidden lie
As we suffer the stigma as we sit here and cry.

I want to be part of my family
But feel I am being silenced in coventry
Just cause I find it so damn hard to talk
They just yell and squawk
And don’t care how much there words injure
This soul and spirit of you and me

There is a man on the moon
But he's gone but he will be back soon
When it's night
He will be back in our sight.
Shining the way for us to follow our path

I wish I could be happy
I wish I could have friends,
those who don't hurt you when times are bad
I know i have a family here,
who understand and care

I wish I could be happy
and laugh at things
and not worry what others think
I am crap at writing poems
but I really don't much care

I wish I could be happy
but i really don't know how
so one day I will be happy
but know it will be heaven or hell
but friends wont care.

My mask, I live behind

I hide behind such a good mask,
To scared and frightened to ask
For fear of being scolded or rejection
And told I am just seen to be attention seeking

Sometimes it slips
And people think I am suffering a bit of a blip
In my troublesome life
Whilst I struggle alone with the strife

Sometimes it cracks and splits
Whilst I end up in the gloomy black pit
Then I find the super strength glue
To stick it back into place so I don't appear so blue

Sometimes it deceives me
But it doesn't ever leave me feeling free
As I cannot see how I feel or think
Just it's a matter of time for me to sink

I went to A& E
To get some care and support I need you see,
To get me through the night
And give me a bit more sight
As I felt quite unsafe and bad,
And deep down so sad
This pain I feel deep down in my soul
Over time has taken its toll
It destroys me inside
And I end up back on that downhill slide
Wanting to cry
And I cant but I try
The feelings just get repressed
And I end up more depressed

These urges I fight
Through all the day
And all night
To scared and frightened to say
As in their sight
Will just been seen as cry
Even though I need someone to help me through this plight
As if not I could end up saying bye.

You hurt me
But you cant see
The scares so deep inside of me
If only you didn’t deny me the right to be me.

I am writing this letter
As I hope to get better,
But need space
To think at my own pace.

They say all I do is attention seek
But it makes me feel even more so of a FREAK.
Why can they not listen to what I say
For after all its there job that they do to get pay.

The say I am so manipulative
But as I sit her I try to see the purpose to live
But all I see is very bleak
And attention I certainly don’t seek.

All day I just lie in bed
As thoughts just whizz through my head
I know it don’t help me to do this
But I do get up for a cup of tea and a piss.

Withdrawing into my shell
So from many others I will hide
For fear of anything I tell,
As they all are on the other side.

It’s taken me a lot of courage and guts
They don’t see that
And they see me as a lying mutt
I just want to hit them over the head with a bloody cricket bat.

I have sat and tried to tell
And to give them some insight
So they too can hit the nail
With this uphill struggle I currently fight.

I appreciate my friends
Though they themselves are not well
But despite they also some days see the end
They are free to confide and tell.

The advocate is of great support
And know she will help me
All the way should it all go to court
And maybe one day I will be free
From this god damn horrendous hell
And free to tell.