Bleakest of landscapes looms through the dark
the moon hides it's face
unused to scenery stark
the sea it swirls cold square moons on the horizon
and ghostly the silence and eerie the chill....
Far in the distance she busy's herself
toiling to fill
the expanse of forgotten, the path of the lost
exquisite each petal
purple shroud of the violet,
it's leaves lush and green
the capture of the rivulet
Her lifetime is taken
the canvas to paint
and though she sings
through the endless
conviction wont relent
she stops momentarily
as if asked a question
"middle name Hope"
she whispers aimless in direction
of the thought that I'd kept
of the mullings I'd had
then she smiles...turns her head
and is translucent once more.

Yesterday I was a dream
Today I am a reality
Tomorrow I will be extraordinary
Yesterday I was lonely
Today I am abandoned
Tomorrow I will be accompanied
Yesterday I was melancholic
Today I am depressed
Tomorrow I will be hilarious
Time will pass
I will be nowhere around
But my ideas would be immortal
Someone will remember me and shower laurels on my grave.

An ode to my dead mother,
But death doesn't play a role,
Not to my leaden heart that drowns in passing time,
Monotonous time that can be forgetful,
But soldiers of memories can kill,

A warmness from the inside,
Heats a feeling of your being,
When we never let a day walk without good walking shoes,
But many a time they ran barefoot,

To disease my blood and steal my soul,
Is but a parting of a cloud,
Where I can see your smile and your arms outstretched,
As in the middle of a dream until the opening of an eye,

Mum, Please listen as I weep and let my eyes dry.

Oh night companion, Keep me safe
You're my device of escape
Wrap me into your steely coldness and never let go
Come out and play our nightly GAME...
Release me of my life for those short, fleeting moments
Be my "TOOL" of Life
Take the emotions out
Slice me open, draw them out, and glue me back together again
So faithful and true
Always there when I need you

My SALVATION is destroying my soul...

My life is so empty now, and so full of sorrow,
I have no desire to see another tomorrow.
My hopes and dream's have all gone away,
My life was all shattered in one single day.
My heart it now weeps and cries tears of pain,
My soul it now lives in a universe insane.
Will there be anything left in my life just for me?
I don't think so ,cause I'm trying so hard not to be.

She was just seventeen, you know what I mean.
A quiet young lady, soon to be with baby.

From womb to tomb it's life was in doom.
"Birth defects may arise" as the fumes stung her eyes.

"The fumes are perfectly safe, don't make a fuss.
No you can't have fresh filters, the cost is too much!"

The man-agers breathe fresh air that's upstairs.
PCB assemblers come cheap, so who really cares?

The smiley is crying, because workers are dying... :-(

Select and discreet,
You know it's The Street.

Better than a pub,
More a private club.

American Express will not pass,
No referral ? Yer out on yer ass !

No trouble or strife,

Escape from the wife. -)

Paper cups standing still,
All along the window sill.

Mills & Boon in the rack,
Borrowed books that don't come back ! -)

I'm sitting here alone
The time is uncertain
My stomach is churning
I cried
But only a few tears
Just enough to moisten the exterior
And moisten my stone heart
That has become
I sit here
Aware of my wet cheeks
And think about
That thing called
NORMAL?

So empty right now
Sick and scared
Alone
Afraid
"I am not hungry mum"
I'm starving
But
I will ignore it
Push it down
Away
With all the scars
Walk on it
Crush it with my weight
I can't kill it
I need to know
When will this end
It can never be enough
I will grasp for my impossible goal
Until
I disappear into air
And ride the wind
Free to feel nothing
To be nothing
Expectations=nothing
I want nothing else

He has come again, with frightening intensity.
He makes his presence felt,
As he laughs and jeers,
As he mocks and torments.
He blackens my soul
And flows through my veins.
He threatens to rob me of my very existence.
Sweet relief cannot enter,
For has bolted my heart's door,
Though she pounds
And begs and pleads,
He delights in Relief's attempts,
For it amuses him to see her try.
And all the while as she struggles and strains,
He embeds himself further into the darkened heart,
The soul with no light,
Where it's windows have been covered,
Where hope has been stifled.

I am tired of nobody caring
What happens to me
When I try to communicate
They say I am complaining

No one makes even a slight effort to understand
It would take too much time to be concerned
Let the drugs do their work,
If that fails, call the hospital
Just don't take the time to help by yourself

Be sure to visit me in the hospital
Half an hour a day must help somehow, right?
And show that you care
By bringing flowers and sending cards

All I wanted was a hug and someone to talk with
Instead, I have an i.v.
And appointments with strangers
Who get paid to listen

And the funny thing is, they care more than you do

Shining metal , sharp and cold
Desperate to have it , desperate to hold
Grasp the blade , squeeze it tight
How much damage will I do tonight?
Slowly lower the familiar tool
Head empties , body's so cool
Now comes release , the shocking part
As the flesh is cut , I know in my heart
I shouldn't do it , it isn't right
But rational thought is far from sight
Red blood glistens , running , seeping
So still I sit , watching , weeping
Thoughts turn inside out
If only I could shout
Scream , yell , release the tension
But it's so hard I wont even mention
Time takes it's toll what's to come?
Some understand , but only some
What if I die If it goes wrong?
Who will be there to sing my song?
Will I live for evermore
Or will I soon be at Satan's door?

Reminding me still
Are the scars that I bare
Of how I coped long ago
When life was unfair

Things have got better
But still I can't find
A way to be happy
And find peace of mind

My world has been shattered
My hopes have been dashed
Since that very first time
My wrists I did slash

They think they've got problems
If only they knew
How lucky they are
And what I'm going through

My life's such a struggle
I find it so tough
I'm feeling quite fragile
They all act so rough

I put on a face
So they can't see my pain
Not that they'd notice
They're all just so vain

The guard sometimes slips
And my feelings do show
But they don't want to listen
They don't want to know

So alone I will battle
With this fault that wont mend
Forever unhappy

I'll be 'till the end

Sat on the floor
I cut a bit more
Feel the need
As it starts to bleed
Deeper, Deeper
Harder, Harder
Celebration
Liberation
Sinking, sinking
Lower, Lower
No more care
Despair

Visions blur , colours fade
Voices intertwine , no longer familiar
All surroundings slip away
Like a cascading waterfall
Darkness closes in
Silence prevails
Thoughts swirl and race around my head
Like a whirlpool
Insides start churning
Racing like a torrent
Over rocks and stones
Then we reach the mouth
Of the river of depression
Everything starts to calm
The load is deposited
Slowly and steadily the water pours
Into the wide open sea

As I wandered through the mist, as lonely as a cloud
I felt the cold wind blowing
Such a brisk, sharp wind
That blew straight through my empty heart
Everyone carries on as normal, regardless of my fears

Such an insecure feeling
My world around me shattered
Feeling as cold as ice
Desperate for the pleasure of being myself again
My broken friendship lingers like a dark looming cloud

But then again it's peaceful
A time to be alone
A time to love and nuture
The fond memories of times past
Still in a corner of my mind
The warmth slowly returning back to my cold and dampened heart

You can hope for the best
And live for today
Don't think of tomorrow
It's too far away
Just brace yourself for what might happen next
Don't worry about
What the world will say
Just be yourself
And never give way

A hidden secret
That's not to be found
A secret so special
It'll go to the ground
Revealed to the dark
Where no one will see
A little bit added
To please only me
When there's people around
It's hidden away
Safe under the fabric
Is where it will stay
Physical evidence
To prove it is there
But mental addiction
Is harder to bare
It's a nightly chore
But a pleasurable one
All day is spent waiting
With no rest 'till it's done

Believing I am loveable
Is the hardest to do
When deep in dark depression
A tunnel so hard to get through

Feeling isolated alone
On a desert island
Still trying to hope
And not dispair
Is the best thing I can do

When does the pain end?
Does the negativity go away?
Am I this depression
Or does it have hold of me?

Like a prisoner I go about my day
Feeling so out of touch
But trying to believe I'll be okay

It may take years I know
Or it could be a matter of weeks
Until I find my lost smile

Just for this moment
No matter what I'm going through
I will believe that I am loved
And find a brighter day

Born to kill, born to die,
Born to hurt, born to cry.
Born to ruin, born to slay,
Born to bleed, born to betray.

Born to fear, born to shudder,
Born a cannibal, born to murder.
Born to fight, born to abuse,
Born to fail, born to lose.

Born to shiver, born to shake,
Born to steal, born to take.
Born to cheat, born to scheme,
Born to beg, born to scream.

Life of anger, life of shame,
Life of falling, life of pain.
Life of filth, life of disease,
Life of crying, Life Deceived

My world is full of anger
My world is full of pain
My world is screaming helpless cries
I'm screaming out in pain.

My would is full of suicide
My world is full of cuts
My world is full of hurting myself
My world is full of blood.

My world is full of violence
My world is full of wars
My world is full of self-destruction
There's nothing to live for.

My world is full of death
My world is full of doom
My world is never full of hope
The end is coming soon.

Tears are falling down my cheeks
But my tears are red
All my life I've suffered
All my life I've bled

Now I sit here silent
My hands holding my head
As I sit here crying
As I cry tears of blood.

That I should take for ever more the solitary path
And wear unhappiness beneath disguising cloak
The image of celibacy without its purity
Is my fate, not a route I would select.

The track I followed while Time's Sands ran through
At unalterable pace, brought me to this barren place.
Before me only dark forbidding clouds with forked light
Flashing messages that warn of worse to come.

A glance behind shows not where I have been - footprints
Quickly covered by wind blown dust that I once was
And will become again - nor at first on either side
A clue to give me form or scope or bearing.

I cross the threshold that should spell freedom
Yet feel the chains still round my feet, the same
Constraints which others do not see nor comprehend.
The scene but repetition of past deception.

This transient existence lacking substance even merit
A passage through that abstract - time
May be but a game of Chess for unknown players
I an inanimate piece upon their board.
That space between conception and cremation, the interlude
Which allows each grain of life to make allotted moves
What plan created so grand a scale
With such little choice for me?

Convicted, sentenced without trial except that of living
Given not those sought after gifts nor any substitute.
For whom is served by such injustice
May they be well content.

Cloudlike, wandering, blown by each wind of change
En passant, without perspective, abandoned.
Truth and reason found missing when most needed.
Drifting aimlessly towards unknown destiny.

Searching for elusive joy
Seeing Life as game and toy
Feeling pain and anguish
No soothing balm to clear the hurt.

And when this mortal life is done,
the body laid to rest,
What epitaph would serve best?
FINIS

I have given myself a gift
Most precious and invaluable
It is myself
With any unwrapping
I am nervous and excited.
Will it be something I want?
Will it be something I like?

I take the risk of being disappointed.
I am sure I won't be.
Everyone else has one and
they also like mine.
They know I will enjoy my present.

I will treasure it.
I will not wrap it in cotton wool.
I will not keep it for best
like dinner party china.
I will proudly show my gift
along with the chips and scratches
I will be myself

Waiting for the party
Waiting for the fun
Waitng for a bus to come
And knock me over flat

Waiting for the day I laugh
Waiting with a sigh
Waiting for this damn doctor
Waiting just to die

Waiting for the mood to lift
Waiting till the key unlocks
Waiting for world to end
Waiting for electric shocks

What about a bit of fun
What about a toast to come
What if this takes all year?
Then I'll cry some futile tears

The Sun
Unwelcome to me
Enters the room
Drags in those memories
Of laughter and fun
It drags in promises
Of pleasantries again
So I'll accept you are there
But cannot absorb the rays

I flew too close (as Icarus did,
He had no second chance)
Too close, too much
I melted and dived
Into the underworld
To live as the Hobbit
Mumbling and moaning
Wailing at good things
I can hear the words "My Precious"
Rising from my lips

Depression Rising
Like a slow worm
Heals very slowly
Like a bad burn

Have faith - this wound
Needs time to heal
Patience, much patience
And all will be well

I know you have pain
Much pain and despair
Hauntings of laughter
In times gone before

But they will return
Be with you again
Just wait, child, wait
The wound has to heal

Your head is conflicting
Anxiety is rife
You just feel like ending
This miserable life

But stop and wait
The nightmare will end
And you will be happy
Once Again.

She was happy, she was busy, she was full of life
Then it struck, and down she fell into that black hole
Ironically it coincided with Millennium
Her nightmare started January of that same year
Not subsiding, nor diminishing, just stuck inside a void
Psychiatrists talking, hand you drugs, discussing Freud

She lived with her boyfriend and misses him much
He's very close, supportive, visits each weekend
She cannot bear him seeing her, to see her as a blob
Though she loves to see him and to hug him and to winge.

She loves the pub, not down to booze but down to atmosphere
The smoke, laughter, clank of glasses - just joviality
She hates each time her eyes open for morning every day
Wishes they could close and drift back to oblivion
The cigarette, her false relief before she rises up
And pulls on nearest clothing while she fights with her anguish

Once the pill is taken
She crawls downstairs
And sits to face the day.

Sitting round the round table
Glass of beer and lots of cheerful
Sounds of people laughing, joking
If I sit with them, I am one of them.

The warmth, the cosiness
Their happiness
I may not have it
But I can but pretend

How can the blackness
Appear in such lightness
Like a bat who mistakenly
Flew out one morning
Trees, grass, birds
And still not partake
Of the beauty

To observe just crying with laughter
Leaves me just crying
Whistling a tune - my alternative
A wail
One day I'll look back
And laugh at my sadness
Though there's no guarantee that it won't come again

They say manic depression can mean genius
Am I? I though I was just someone else
I write poetry - that's true
But so do many
It's to pass time while I get out of my stew.

In the land of the wobbly banana
Was a man who had walked down the street
And his face was the same as an Angel
Who had cushion souls on his feet.

In the land of the wobbly banana
At the start of a new Golden Age
Where no one got married in winter
And nothing appeared on the stage

In the land of the wobbly banana
Nearing Christmas in nineteen-fifteen
It all started going all wonky
When someone planted a bean.

It grew like a tree in the ocean
With its stem reaching up and down stairs
And peace was the end of the play.

In the land of the wobbly banana
Was a time when we know one and all
And the aeroplanes flew on the ceiling
And the motor cars never could stall.

It was spring every day in the morning
And the rain came at night when it fell
And the animals ate at the fountain
And no-one remembered the bell.

In the land of the wobbly banana
When Jesus and Buddha had died
The train came and took us to Paris
The heavenly angels replied.

At a time when the soul is in torment
And peace looks blacker than day
I remember the wobbly banana
But never remember to say.

My Lord he was never called Krishna
And the truth is a stranger to May
In the land of the wobbly banana
I posted my letter today.

I got my reply before Sunday
Just come as you were yesterday
And even the time was a moment
When peace was the end on the play

I lay there thinking, one day I will,
Then Baba called and soon I was ill.
All the thoughts of war and disease,
Were cleaned from my mind,
In a short spell, with ease.

One day when things where grim,
The guns and dangers' disguise was thin.
The television pictures were live and close,
The world was moving slowly but surely,
Towards the final conflict.
But then at the last moment, something changed,
And I was free.

Fires were starting as I continued to smoke,
Pressures surrounded, and I started to choke.

The reasons were clear,
And love was near;
But they thought it was me,
Only then could it be.

Eating was a strain,
The choice of food that remained.
My diet was pure,
My thoughts were sure.

This was the end,
My life was not my own.
And when I finally left,
I was totally alone.

Out into space
Just take some more pills,
You're just feeling mental
Like all the poor things.

This feeling you get
Is all in your mind,
I've seen it before
About ten thousand times.

You're really no different
I've seen it before,
You're just feeling mental
I'm really quite sure.

You've been under stress
This couple of days,
The voice that you've heard
Is a classic case.

Now go see the doctor
At the Royal Ed.,
If it get any worse
They'll give you a bed.

I have a choice only I can decide,
Should I stay and fight, or run and hide?
I think it's time to switch out my light,
For I've nothing left for which to fight.

Nobody knows of the fears I dread,
So I really would be better off dead.
Death is my only form of release,
My death would bring me so much peace.

Death is a very silent friend,
Waiting to meet me at the end.
When I'm dead where will I go?
Don't ask me, I just don't know.
Up to heaven or down to hell,
With the life I've lived no one can tell.

I don't mean to sound unkind,
But how can one live in a troubled mind?
I don't want anyone to cry for me,
Because at last I'll finally be free.

Today, this morning I felt so bad,
Why is my life such a drag?
I can't spend all day in bed,
With all these voices in my head.

Gone, gone, gone, is all that mattered,
Now my mixed up mind is shattered.
What happened, what went wrong?
Why have I been down for so long?

My mixed up thoughts hurt my mind,
Why do I hold all this pain?
Will this horrible pain last long?
Where have all the good times gone?

Why is my life going so bad?
Why am I sitting here oh so sad?
Why have I run out of hope?
Why am I always thinking of a rope?

Why do I always sigh?
Life's a bitch, then you die.
I'm so sad and in despair,
Does anybody really care.

Let me tell you the story about Christmas Slick
He didn't use reindeer and didn't miss a trick
He used real horses and popped his whip
Carried a six gun on the side of each hip
He yelled to his horses one by one
Off in the sunset and he fired each gun
In the desert night you could hear him sing
Out with the coyotes it was an extra ordinary thing
He carried gifts to the children all around the town
Some thought he was an outlaw, some thought he was a clown
But in my heart I know
He'd be back next year for Christmas too.

A whispering voice, deep inside
Will not let me free
Echoes tension, rips you apart
It steals your sanity

A mindless laugh, the laugh will kill
An evil thought my mind goes still
It gets your eye, and drives you mad
A mindless laugh your mind now has

An evil clown, the clown can be
To watch your dreams - shatter
It crushes you and blanks your mind
Leaving no thoughts for you to find

Thoughts rush toward, a frightened train
A mindless thought, an evil insane.....

In a mindless laugh, voices gather
Come to torcher me;
Haunting thoughts, a twisted vision
A leak into insanity

Voices chant - the mindless laugh
A war inside my head
Tension builds, a boiling point
Then the voices go dead

Blackout - A dream within a dream
Sweating palms - an altered me.
The walls are closing in,
A chill runs up the spine
Mindless laughing -
Walking on a thin line.

Blackened dream, a false reality
Drives you into misery
A homicidal vision, a mindless laugh
A short fuse burns pure serenity.

Nowhere to turn, but everyone's watching
Paranoia sets in;
Nowhere to hide, nowhere to run
Mindless laughing wins....

In the land of reality things are not what they seem;
People are selfish, cold, and mean.

The star I look at now is my only friend
He never lies and never pretends
Pretends to be my best friend,
If my life were put to an end;
The other would laugh, if they noticed
I was worth nothing to them.

I try to be the best friend I can;
When fun comes around, they all just ran.
The house I lived in, they all abused,
Me and my mom, they all just used.
And so this is the end
The star above, my only true friend....

The land of reality, is filled with pain;
Haunting visions that drive you insane.
The tension building inside your heart;
Soon to tear your mind apart.

Chaotic vultures, pick at you mind
Thieves of serenity, steal all they can find.
They rip you apart, you are not free;
They'll drive you insane, in your own misery.

Voices gather a frightening sound;
Mindless laughing, pull you underground.
They'll maim and scatter your memory;
A shattered soul, thieves of serenity.