For days, I was unable to walk out that door.
Why?? I just haven't got a clue, that's for sure.
Addicted to this computer, till i was insane
My life as plain and lifeless as the window pane.

I'd hyperventilate if I got near to exit out
I'd look at Tayla, she'd get in my way,
I'd raise my voice to scream and shout
Why, what did she do, what did she say.

Nothing, she just needed her mummy to be there
All I was, was a figure nothing but hollow,
What sort of mummy was I, that's not fair
I just want to die, I'd cry ... in sorrow

No one would get a word out of me, just in chat
Now there were people telling me "your a beauty"
Whilst they said this, motionless I sat
I carried on getting compliments, "your a cutie"
I fed myself chocolate, watched the weight turn to fat.

Now why didn't anyone help me?
Because you can only help yourself
I know this, I look I see
But just once or twice I need
Some one caring to manage my health
For a nice person to do a good deed.

I walked out of the door first time in ages
I felt hot my breathing fastened my heart raced
But I'd done it, My body shaking taking different stages.
But I'd done it, now I could change I helped me, I faced.

I found my path, it's a misery each day still
But I go outside, feel the wind rush against my skin
with my heart and my head I made a pact, a deal
No longer will I face it alone, I was no longer IN

As for being Tayla's Mummy, I'm back to stay
This is a affirmation I do each day, I say
Mummy's back here again, mummy's never leaving you
Mummy's ok now, what's done is done, I can only change our future.

How and where do I start?
When will the pain escape my heart?
For years I have felt unwanted!
No one loves me, they just taunted.

People say hey look she's so beautiful
She must break all the guys hearts what a fool!!!
But how wrong can you be, I just want to be loved.
Someone care for me, mum your not here, dad where are you
stop walking over me, stop pulling and pushing, like I'm shoved
I want to stop being abused now, please, enough I beg too
be left alone, in hell I shall go I will ask satan why me as well.

I'm not ignorant to other people's pain
I know when you hide your face in shame.
I would probably be the kind to take all your abuse
physical, mental, emotional, but what's the use
You chose to rape me, you chose to beat me
for my entire 24 years of life, I am what I'll be.

Yes it all started because dad had an affair with sue
he blamed your post-natal, so I got rejected from both of you.
Sorry Nikki you came at the wrong time, oh well ok let me excuse it.
Let me forget, NEVER, cause repressed memories are coming back....
I was called a "slag" by you mum, for sitting on my uncles lap you had a fit
I was only 2 mum, then at 5 I was raped, my sister she watched me lay on my back.
Poor her, yet she is ok, But I'm not, then raped again at 7 will this never end
my mind screaming for help going round the bend.

My mum she just kept on beating me for the following years
threw me down stairs, told me so much hate, till the tears
just came no more, but the fears remained I ran away.

I met my first love at the young age of 15, wow, I thought it was great.
Till my dad left my step-mum, and my boyfriend beat me with more hate.
Does everyone show feelings through beating me? for I only knew
hitting me was attention, affection, wow I must be one of few.

Gary, now ex, beat me so bad, baby's were lost, one was saved
my little tayla-marie
He has visitations now, she loves him, I still forever hate him.
Tayla-marie has never seen a sign of this, she doesn't deserve pain.

My aunt once said - " you must of been a very horrible gal, in your past life"
you poor girl, suffered so much, in your young years so much strife.

My dad I beg him to contact me but he doesn't
why what did I do to deserve all this..

I'm now trying to put on my brave face
but believe me, I can't wait to leave this place

Heaven or hell, whichever beckons me first
just to free me from this curse.

One day, one day soon. I hope to feel human just like you.
How lovely to see people smile, to watch you walk beautiful.

But then....my smile begins to fade. Did I ask to be here?
or was I just being punished for something I may have done!
In the past or the future - this I do not know I just fear
This unhappiness is it here to stay or will I remain a clone?

A clone you ask? - a figure of me in the place of someone else,
Allowing others to continue being bad for attention is all I desire.

I want to have a mum and dad! they should be here together
So many are and look at the love you receive from one another
Do you realise how lucky you are?
You have them close by, mine are too far!

My mum, she is unreachable! - in heaven or hell
My dad, he ignores me, don't want to see me I can tell
I contact him through text's, I see the delivery reports
yet no phone call, nothing from him, why? stop these thoughts.

People always answer, "forget him", or "he isn't worth it"
But it's not your dad is it, and I'm not you, when you feel
like your world is incomplete, then tell me to deal
But I can't cope with the solitude feeling of being lonely
All I want to do it feel like I actually fit..........

As I sit and ponder, as I sit in hope and vain.
That one day you will walk in on me again.
As I sit in sadness, as I sit feeling so irate.
Is this a sign of madness? or will you arrive late?!

Three years have passed me by
For three years I've been unable to cry.

As you lay there all alone, crying your heart out!
I sit here with the feelings to SCREAM AND SHOUT.

WHERE ARE YOU NOW? WHERE COULD YOU BE
I WANT THE ANSWER HOW, WHY YOU LEFT YOUR KEY!
FOUR DAYS AND NIGHTS YOU LAY DEAD!
WITHOUT LEAVING ONE WORD SAID!

I want you back home with me
Just where you belong you'll see!

DID YOU NOT KNOW WE WOULD SUFFER SO MUCH
WHEN ALL I LONG FOR IS THE SAFENESS OF YOUR TOUCH
TO know my mum is where she belongs,
and not to redo that mistake that was so wrong!

IF ONLY YOU WERE GIVEN ONE MORE CHANCE
maybe then you could of had one last dance

For I always LOVE YOU no matter what!
But why did you do it? AND TAKE THE LOT!

FOR NOW... life will always seem unfair to us
we'll never have you near, to hug kiss or fuss

FOREVER GONE YOU WILL BE
WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE TAYLA AND ME?

JUST LEFT IN A WORLD THAT HARDLY SMILES
I SAID THIS IS HELL!
FOR NO'ONE DESERVES THIS VILE!

IF GOD LOVES HIS CHILDREN
WHY DID HE GIVE ME SUCH HELL!
DID HE TEST ME, LOATHE ME
HE KNEW I'D REBEL!

ALL I ASK OF THEE........
IS TO BRING BACK MY MUM, GRAND-DAD AND OTHERS.....
BACK TO ME... AND OUR FAMILY

JUST TO HAVE THOSE HUGS.......
JUST TO FEEL THOSE KISSES........
JUST TO HAVE BACK THE LOVE WE HAVE LOST.

LOTS OF LOVE.......... NIKKI AND YOUR GRANDAUGHTER TAYLA-MARIE

I really do want to DIE, NO'ONE deserves this life.!
I see it in every waking moment, ALL these worries and strife!

DO YOU deserve this I think NOT, I ALWAYS blamed ME!
Carried the guilt in my heart, and soul! this lasted or seemed like eternity!

NOW I've turned the different corner, I decided this isn't right
Why was I always angry,? wallowing in self-pity? Now I'll put up the FIGHT.

I'm not going to take this shit anymore,
I'm better! Far better than this!

I think I'm strong, then one knock back - I'm weak again!

I've failed what I've set out to do, I'm only human
I'm always reminding myself I'm different, not the same!!
IF I was, I'd only fill this world with more misery and pain.

Sometimes I feel more alienated than I really should?!
why do people blank me, who do they perceive me as?
I'm not stuck up, or think I'm the best!
I wish they would understand
I'm easy going, funny and HONEST.

DON'T KEEP PUSHING ME ASIDE! I CAN'T HANDLE REJECTION NO MORE.

I want to be free, yet, I love you If you love me HEY GALLORE.

ISN'T THIS SUPPOSED TO BE TRUE? WHY DO I FEEL SO MUCH BITTER?!
WHY DO I ASK MYSELF THE WRONG QUESTIONS?
WHY DO PEOPLE TREAT ME WRONGLY?
LIKE I'M TRASH AND LITTER
I'D GIVE PEOPLE SO MUCH HAPPINESS!!
IF ONLY....... GIVEN HALF THE CHANCE

Three very sad and lonely years have past!
How can this be? Why has time gone so fast?

Today you could have been forty six,
Instead you lay as ash under bricks!

My love for you still remains the same, and true!
Yet inside I feel all cold and blue.

For after all you are still my mum.
Only in spirit now. Not someone who can come,

When I holler your name, or long for a chat.
GOD I only wish to see I can see your smile so phat.

No matter how unclose we were, I TRIED!!
BUT just a day before your birthday you DIED.

You took your own life. So selfish yet brave.
My body feels like it wants to concede.

For I watch other daughters and their MUMS,
With granddaughters, as if all were chums.

The solitude feeling, aching all inside.
For, three years, I've been weak and tried to hide

All these emotions entwined as one,
I forgot who I was and allowed to be won.

Everyone else had won! - that was how I felt
For they had, the most important thing, they dealt!

But how could anyone begin to understand?
You have your mum's! Who has the upper hand.

I allowed to be wallowed in self-pity, and pain
I know now. I was driving my self to be INSANE.

Forty six you'd be today, what a waste and a shame!.
You had a lot, - beauty, children, tayla.
YOU lost it all, now who's to blame??!!

Happy birthday to the one I love most
I'd love to raise a drink and make a toast.

But what could I say to about a woman I love?!
Who I thought was more wonderful than the dove!

That she had killed herself, who made her dead!
Now she'd never awake from her dying bed!

You are gone now, never to return to love me
You are free from this hell, please love me!
I beg of thee!

To await me, up or down, wherever you are
I hope you are close rather than far?!
I need you more than ever before
Please believe I can't hurt forever more!

I need to deal with this intolerable ache
Still wish you were here to blow candles from your cake

Tayla needs me mum, I know that feeling,
It's wonderful to be wanted and loved, I could jump through the ceiling

Love you mum! protect from bad evil