Calm, hopeful, so optimistic, at perfected peace,
Someone is definitely praying right now!
Need you God to show me the narrow path,
Way to freedom from food and strife,
I want to stay in recovery and begin to keep it real,
I want to be xx and no longer able to feel,
But like a shot of heroin, vodka or cocaine,
The cravings come, go, taking over everything.

Come too far to let few kgs drag me down,
Spilling over words can't remember the noun,
The thrill of weight loss continually abounds,
I'll try to find some sane way out…
They ask me every day how I feel,
The reality is that I long to be healed,
Yet so undeserving, so ashamed and inept,
To you Lord I remain forever in debt.

Looking in the funfair-controlled mirror,
Tied hair back & clipped it all out,
Breathed in ribs to desperately reveal,
Legs scratched raw to hide my inner soul,
'Walking' on regardless through every storm,
Desperation for number to decrease each week,
Never-ending quests to reach that perfect peak.

That's it… life is MORE FUN!
Youth work, fuel, church, OA, new job?
Self esteem and a purpose essential to the day,
Exercise obsessions melting in the rain,
Please help me replace old ways of burying pain,
I replace depression with creative self-expression,
I replace ana with LIFE; LIFE prevails…

Next week is the last weigh-in,
I'll stop being so hard on myself next Thursday,
Curse of numbers up week after,
I hate my body the way it sucks up fat,
The way it doesn't listen to crazed control.

I said I'd stop a k over target,
At target without clothes or shoes,
Then a sad k under,
Next allowing for doomed, dark days,
Now I will definitely stop screwing these numbers,
Final 'weigh-in weds' and 25 Friday so to end,
To ana all is certain I know it will die soon,
Goodbye ana, I loathe you and want you cast out!

Bury the angst, bury the endless charade,
Will they see me as a simple fraud?
What do they want me to do without you?
Stopping all my addictions means starting with You.

Hate the way it sits on my body,
The feeling of another meal been and gone,
The weight ticking a forewarning: actively awaiting the time bomb,
The meal plan keeps me out of relapse,
Yet I am beginning to hate the calls I must consume,
No toast, no snacks, no juice, no dessert, no milk…
No my heart screams into self-inflicted annihilation.

Bloated is not real, it's simply temporary,
Feelings come, go, up - down, down -up?
Food is not the enemy; anorexia IS,
My choice, a life ˝ lived, slowly dying agony,
Or a life in recovery, a chance to be ME!

Be honest Kate, trust in those who are HERE,
They're on your side not ana's for sure,
Don't pretend and smile 'I'm ok',
Let others in for healing to begin,
It's the deceit that only kills your will to live.