As I turn the key in the lock
Tom me cat comes running toward's me
meowing
not pleased to see me only the packets
I'm carrying his dinner in fact
as I fight my way in past Tom
down the long hall
past the wooden mirror awwwwww
I'm looking so old,wrinkled like a prune
children grown up, off some where traveling the world
they said mmmmm be back by lunch time " I said "
or your be grounded for a month
yes they said closing the door behind themselves
mmmm only seems like yesterday, maybe not
miss them so much
I'll tan their arses wasting good food
I was married once, husband left me for a younger model
daft sod he he
I wonder ?
will she still love him when he's putting his false teeth in a glass,
walking with a frame and wearing nappies at night
still think about him sometimes.

I live in a small flat now, far cry from my home of years ago
but I'll tell you about that later
after tea maybe he he
the city is full of car's all smelly and dirty oh and don't
forget houses, can't see out any more build a factory beside me
theirs a park miles away, to far for me to travel specially
with my legs
no flowers in the park, not these day's
kids ride their bike's over them and don't forget the pond
very smelly with green bits flooding on top.

Had to sell my car last year, couldn't see the sign post's
what do they no been driving for years and never had a accident
mine you their was that time with Mr Brown he he daft begger should
move faster.

I became ill last year mmm what did they say ?
cancer " they said " Lizzy you have cancer
stop smoking so much, only smoke 20 a day
that's all I've have left oh and Tom me cat
I think it's old age me self
me legs are playing me up tonight
sitting in dads old arm chair
think mice have moved in
see straw on the floor
Tom me cat keeps meowing around the back, silly old cat
I'm feeling old not as young as I use to be
mum would always say never get old lizzy may to late
mum he he it was hiding behind the door
jumped out when I wasn't looking and said poo
now Tom let me have 40 or maybe 60 winks......

Standing on tip toes
viewing a once beautiful room
memories of this very special place
come sweeping over me
remember?
walking through the front
once opened
old picture's lining the walls
all fade and now unseen
slowly as I walk through
I'm walking back in time
itself.

Looking down the wall way
a candle is placed on the window ledge
fire burns bright in the corner
the room is warm and wanting
the human touch once more
a hat with bright coloured flowers
around the brim
hanging on the corner of the chair
remembrance to the long hot
summer day's
drinking ice-tea with a slice of lemon
sitting under the old willow tree.

Book's ( love poems ) lying on the wooden floor
four poster bed stands tall in the middle
silk sheet's hang from the ceiling
down the side's of this beautiful bed
a single white rose
found lying on the silk pillows
as time forgotten
but
renew each day
scented rose petal's cover the floor
where once I stood
in the arm's of my lover
kissing his sweet lips
bare foot on the ground........

Rose's are red
but I love yellow
I see you from afar
standing all alone
feeling's I have
knowing
I could never
hold you in my arm's
kiss your lip's
dance in the moon light
make love under the star's
long walks by the river
you were the man
of my dreams
wanting to spend the rest
of my day's with you
but
instead
I died for you
that awful day
back in July
you saw the lorry
out of control
heading towards me
did you help
no
just stood watching
the life taken from my body.

Why did you let me die ?
I loved you so
thought you did too
maybe not ?
I know we had problems
money was short
I did my best for you and the children
so many arguments
I hated them
hiding in the corner ( for hours )
alone and hurt
with tears of unhappiness.

Why me ?
you even hit me once or twice
but I no you didn't mean it
always kissed me saying sorry
did you hate me that much
was I so bad
I had to die that awful day
are you happy now I'm dead
or sad with your loss
you could have saved me
from the wheels of that lorry
if you loved me so.
but
now I know why
I had to die
making it so easy for you
now I know why
having a now love enter your world
not me any more
but someone younger better looking
what did I do so wrong
don't ask me to wish you luck
I give only sorrow to you and that thing
for the taking of my life
hope you have nightmare's
and never forget my memory'

What about the children
left behind
without a mother
I'll never see them grow
never so if their happy or sad
missing the little ones so much
can't even hold them in my arm's
there's a hole in my heart
I have so many questions
but will never have the answers
that has been taken away from
me the day I died.
the roses you placed on my coffin were red
but if you remember I love yellow
maybe it's her that loves red
roses.

Red is for blood stain's on the road
outside our home
something for you to remember
each day you walk out of the gate
but do one thing for me
cover the marks and please
do not let the children see
the place their mother died.
I think the roses should have been black
for the day you pushed in front of the lorry
and watched me die
I'm feeling so cold
theirs a bright light
it's so warm
in the distance l see angels calling me
walking towards them
a total sense of calm pasts over my spirit
please look after the little ones
I call
because I will be watching from heaven
I will not see you again
only my beautiful child ( s )
but you the man of my dream's
I loved to the day I died
you will go to
hell........................................

While walking through fields
lambs playing in the grasses
poppies blowing in summer breezes
sun blazes between soft white clouds
skies so blue
warmth within my heart
my body sings with joy.

In the midst I planted a
single red rose only yesterday.
watching this special flower grow
its perfume so powerful
sweetest smell ever.

Suddenly dark clouds appear
blot of lightening lit the skies
grey clouds blot out the warmth
winds freezing cold
not soft against my skin.

What's happening to me?
winter has returned once more
lightening torn through the very heart
of my body.

I'm bleeding from within
blade has cut through my soul
I'm standing totally alone
there is only silences.

A single tear runs down my cheek
I'm weak
unable to move
turned to where l planted the red rose
leaves are brown
petals fallen to the ground.

This rose will never blossom again
winter has returned within my heart
this special single red rose is surely dying
for this flower was truly me
I'm lost forever more........

Standing all alone,
the silences deafens me,
swirls of freezing cold wind,
blowing against my skin,
my hair covers my face,
unable to see clearly.

Alone in the wilderness,
l hear a child's cries,
slowly turn around,
no one their,
child is calling from within,
hopelessly trying to break free.

I'm not a child,
rather an adult,
whose grown up too quickly,
with a mind of a child,
forever lost.............

Stand totally naked,
before the sea of life itself,
summer breezes warm my body,
blazing sun beneath the clouds,
eyes glistering with its reflection,
touching my inner soul.

time moves forth,
unhappy feelings l endure,
weaving their ugly spell,
creating a brutally tormented soul,
ensnared by internalized evil.

waves of despair crash within me,
leaving only pain,
I'm drowning in self pity,
re-opening wounds,
never to deal with,
chaos remains,
leaving no door way open,
forbidding entrance to my future.

how do l calm these violent waves?

standing on the rocks,
looking far out to sea,
clearly viewing the horizon,
my tormented soul feels the sun,
glowing like a ball of fire within.

warmth slowly covers me,
a glow of total happiness covers my face,
internally the warmth spreads,
my soul no longer brutally tormented,
slowly the sea of life calms again

Sitting all alone,
surrounded by people,
their names ? l haven't a clue,
faces invisible,
l scream,
no sounds to be heard,
people not listening,
I'm talking,
no words coming out,
I'm feeling sad and blue,
being totally tormented,
world on my shoulders,
no where out.

A cut of a hand,
flow of blood,
dripping down finger tips,
puddle on the ground,
pain is unfelt,
a sense of release,
but only for a while
that is.

feeling very weak,
fallen to the ground,
unable to move.

breathing is slower,
sounds no longer heard,
vision a blur,
motions within turning cold,
heart is breaking,
my final wish or wishes,
the last breath l take,
before death finally appears....