Feeling

Should we stand strong and oppose the enemy?

Do we have to bare our souls to the devil?

Name the price for peace, I'll pay it

I'll offer my soul, anything

Give me just one thing in return

Serenity

Let my blanket of security hide me

Seek your pleasure somewhere else

For now, leave me

Leave me alone and shrouded

Straight from the heart
The arrow sliced
Through blood, muscle and skin
It reached its goal
Piercing, bursting
Bringing pain and torment
Twisting and digging
Tearing and pulling
Then it was over
The pain and torment no more
The twisting and digging
The dragging and pulling
It came out the other side
Skin re-sealing itself
No mark left, no scar to show
Taking with it all the pain and torment
What was a storm is now a calm clear sea
Peace and tranquillity in abundance
The wet waves washing away the worry
The sun dominant in its shine
Warm light and comfort providing
Where life resumes as normal

You saw the whole of the moon
I only saw the eclipse
You saw the brilliant brightness
Whilst I was covered in darkness
You saw the chance of a lifetime
When I only wanted to hide
Shrouded in black
I never saw what you did
I lived in the blackness
Exposed and frightened by the light
You held the brightness control button
A twist to the left
A tad to the right
Always adjusting it to your needs
Simply something to play with
Whilst I was left dreaming, hoping, longing
To escape to the whole of the moon

She was a funky and fun five door fiesta
On the clear open road you really could test her
She cruised along, her control so smooth
The radio playing, we played some grooves
At five weeks old she was shiny and new
But was she purple or dark navy blue?
It happened so fast, so clear in my mind
Overtaking the lorry we were traveling behind
We saw the police car, we thought it was moving
Sh***, the brakes full on, the idea deluding BANG
There was nothing we could do, we crashed into its back
Thank heaven for seat belts and that is a fact
Wandering about it seemed completely insane
That a police car was parked on the outside lane
There was no lights, no cones nor warning to say
There had been an accident which they'd just cleared away
They reassured us that we weren't to blame
Should there not be a chicken somewhere in this game?
To the local police station we were all driven
No tea or coffee nor phone call given
Still in shock they showed us the door
Did you not know that they closed down at four?
I wont rabble on, it only gets worse
Now it's a question of a fiesta, an escort or a 2nd hand hearse

^On wounded wings I want to fly^

^On wounded wings there's no pie in the sky^

^On wounded wings I want cry^

^On wounded wings no time to buy^

^On wounded wings I’m left to cry^

^On wounded wings I heave a sigh^

^On wounded wings I’ve had to try^

^On wounded wings my soul to fry^

^On wounded wings I want to die^

^On wounded wings my flight goodbye^

Wind with gentle intentions
Flow through me tonight
Blow away the cobwebs
That are entangled in my soul
Spring clean me with your spirit
Eradicate the dirt embedded
Sweep and dust away the dark
Cleanse me
Free me
Make me feel alive again
Take apart the webs that have been weaved
Brush away the gathered debris
For another season

Taking flight
Leaving the safe secure nest
That has provided for me
All these years alone
In hiding
Now I spread my wings
I fly
To fly amongst the others
Develop and grow
To soar even higher
Showing myself for who I am
Not how people think
The butterfly which once was a bug
No one shall capture me
Nor my beauty within
See past my torn and jagged edges
And seek my real identity
Fly with me
Let me be your guide
Along this road not traveled
Be not alone in overcoming new hurdles
Or be afraid of things unfamiliar
Accept the person you might become
Embrace and welcome them
Love them
Share your knowledge freely
And the knowledge will free yourself

I was a seed
That was given love to grow
Neutered and cared for
And I grew
I was given my place amongst others
I was looked upon with pride

Then I started to die
My petals fell to the ground
Unable to be replaced
Not even with care
My roots became frail and brittle
I grew weaker day by day
Until all that was left was a stump
Where life no longer existed

They wept as I died
Watching me grew weaker
Knowing there was nothing they could do
I was no longer something to be proud of
Just a stump
Which they left
Hoping that I would grow again, regain life
Hoping that they hadn't lost me forever
So that once more, they could call me blossom
Just like they always did

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Doors

There are many doors inside of me
With something different behind each one
Some doors are locked
Which can’t be opened without the key
For they are not ready to be opened
Other doors have been opened
The key found and unlocked
And the contents spilt out
Forever

But these doors holding nothing now
Left bare, dark and frightening
What do I do with them?
I wish they had never been opened
For I have to live with the knowledge these doors kept hidden
They have been opened and explored
Sometimes I wish they had been closed as soon as they had been opened

What about the doors that have been opened just ajar?
Which have only been peeped into
What happens to them?
They either need to be opened fully
Or closed and locked
Forever

They can’t stay as they are
Because they scare me
I don't know what to do with them
I need to find the key

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Diamond In The Sky

Shining diamond in the sky
Do you watch as here I lie?
I toss and turn and try to sleep
But my mind at rest I cannot keep
Pictures in my mind always reappear
Causing my turmoil, causing me fear
I want to rub them out, wipe with a cloth
Blank them out, switch them off

Shining diamond in the sky
Do you hear my plea, do you see me cry?
Give me hope, show me heaven
For too long now I’ve had to brave them
Show me your face, show me your eyes
Offer me hope, no more lies
I’ve been patient, I’ve been good
I’ve served my time, release my mood

Shining diamond in the sky
Help me live or let me die
Send me to heaven, send me to hell
Whichever one I'll ring the bell
End it here, end it now
To your decision I will bow
Shining diamond in the sky
Whatever happens, please don't cry

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Seasons

One repulsive sordid finger
Manipulates her smooth black hair
Thousands of frantic images run through her head
She cries burning blood red tears
Powerful screaming shadows chasing her
There's no escape from the demons in her life
Until a serene white goddess whispers in her ear
Promising her a life of eternal peace
But this temptress lies
Her bittersweet honey is poison
Causing everlasting turmoil
Oh, to dream of sleep void of any madness
She takes the venom
Lusting after a resulting fatality
She relives all four seasons in one day
Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall
In hope of erasing her pain once and for all

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The Wall

The bricks started to crumble
Not all, but some
Slowly, but surely
A couple of bricks out of many
Breaking down, falling to the ground
Leaving the wall
Which has been their home for so long
But now the mortar is stronger
Building back its resistance
No more bricks allowed to fall
Reclaimed, for however long

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"Wee Fairy"

Fairy, fairy on the wall
Who’s the fairest of them all?
Are you good or are you evil?
Are you gracious to the kind and feeble?

You fly and flutter in the air
Are you concerned, do you care?
Your life is easy; your life is simple
Do you worry about a pimple?

I wish I was, I wish I was a fairy
Escape from life, anything scare
Your cute, clean image, your pretty dresses
You hold the secret to what life possesses

You dance and prance in the sky
But can you see the tears in my eye?
Prove to me there's magic in your wand
Because throughout my life I’ve been conned

I wish I was a wee fat fairy
My life would be peaceful and not so scary
And if I saw a tear in your eye
I would give you a squidge to stop you cry

You don't know love, you don't know pain
What’s in life is there for me to gain?
I take some comfort that you’re up above
But please release me like a dove

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A Wee Hangover

No, I can’t come out shopping with you today
I’ve told you twice, now go away
My head it hurts, my mind does throb
The aspirin I took has failed its job
I cannae move, I cannae see
From this torture SET ME FREE

Did I really dance upon the table?
After what I drank, I’m not sure I was able
Singing "I will Survive" rings a bell
I’m covered in bruises, I must have fell
And who’s this number on my hand
Was it the bar man or someone from the band?

My purse is empty, what have I done?
Apart from the hangover, it really was fun
I let down my hair which nearly got burned
Oh God, now my stomach is starting to churn
My mascara has run, oh what a mess
I’m going to be sick, I have to confess

There it goes, of what a waste
Why did I drink those cocktails in such haste?
I’m feeling crap, never again
What’s this name on my purse, it looks like Ben!
Who is, I struggle to remember
Why did I wear a boob tube, it's bloody December

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CBT I

It's happening again
The time of reckoning is upon me
An exploratory procedure
A sweeping of the cobwebs
A probe into every niche and crevice
It’ll be painful, it invariably is
To reverse the mutilation that’s been in inflicted
To mould me into "normality"
Will it be successful this time?
Or will leave me red raw and vulnerable?
My scarred soul left screaming
Propelled into the inferno of therapy
Another one bites the dust!

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CBT II

The waiting to be summoned
Eyes perilously searching the long corridor
We start
Key words jump out at me
Bringing me back into the session
What is she thinking I’m thinking?
Psychoanalysing your every wink, breathe and jerk
Another hour of jargon flying back and forth
To change my thinking of the present and future
Surely I have to change my thinking of the past
Not So!
"We're not concerned about the past"
You might not be, but I sure as hell am
The past is past, it's done forget it
But the past controls me
So that I can control the future,
I must control the past
Another session endeth

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CBT III

Flash - what happened?
It's ended
Five sessions = 4 hours
4 hours to change my way of thinking
And I’m the one receiving treatment! - how stupid
We got nowhere, it was over before it had began
Going round in circles
What and who is going to break it?
My hopes and anticipation crushed
Fallen from the sky and devoured by the earth
What is there left to try - a lobotomy?
Is it me that’s malfunctioning?
In someway unbeknown to me?
Am I unreceptive to transmitted rays of help?
Do I know the system too well?
Perhaps I will never fully understand
The complex minds of others
CBT = Cuddle of bloody tollocks

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Under The Cover Of Darkness

Darkness falls around us
Covering us like a blanket
Securing itself tightly
To the bodies it protects

Safe and secure we rest easy
Snuggling into it's softness
Nuzzling it's sweetness
And all over warmth

For some the darkness is strangling
It's grip vice-like
It's security too strong
And it's warmth overpowering

They fight it's enticement
Break free from it's hold
And are left with nothing
But the ticking of the clock
And the cold aftermath

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Flashbacks I

They appear when you least expect them
Sometimes one, sometimes more
Darting and weaving about
Turning your mind upside down
When will the sea of tranquillity
Wash over me, cleanse me
Taking away the impurities

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Flashbacks II

Black and white photos materialize on a screen
Tell the story of how it was
In detail, of what went on
Each taken to illustrate something diverse
Hard evidence, with the proof in place

You can describe them to others
But then again you can’t
Because it happened to you
No one person has the same ones
You can see them clearly
But disappear when you talk about them

Like an Album
They exist
A permanent reminder of the past
Even if you don't want them

It is there, and it opens when it likes
To spook you and bring you pain
It is evil, like it's creator
And it must be dealt with
Before the Album can be closed
Permanently

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Fire

The room is on fire
The heat is unbearable
My soul has been taken
I am left with a shell
With nothing inside

My skin is on fire
Peeling piece by piece
Falling, left to rot
Flesh burned and pulled
Twisting and distorted
The face without a face
A soul without a soul
A life without meaning
A life not worth living

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Mask

I live behind a mask
So that no one will see
An excuse of a person
That person is me

I’ve grown tired of fighting
I am weak with pain
I don't want to go on living
I want to finish this crazy game

I can’t see my future
I can’t see the light
I can’t stand the daytime
I can’t stand the night

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Thelma And Louis

Thelma and Louise are on the run
They don't know why, they've done no wrong
They hopped in the car and drove to Wales
To be met by the most torrential gales
Every time they became dry, down came the rain
It was enough to drive them completely insane
Since they were mad they went horse riding
Although not happy, they were most abiding
The nights were spent huddled in the tent
Trying to sleep through the storms heaven sent
They escaped for the day to the town of Cardiff
Thelma got them lost; Louise was ready to biff!
They went to Abergevenny to have an Indian meal
Presented with flowers it soothed their ordeal
The food was good, they ate really well
After five days by their tummies you could tell
Whilst out cruising a police helicopter crashed
In their white Nissan Micra they quickly dashed
After five days they decided to move on
And head back home from where they had come from
To face their accusers, guilty or innocent
Standing strong, almost militant
In their minds they think things over
To carry on driving over the white cliffs of Dover

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Scar Culture

She needs to express and create scar tissue
She inflicts pain on herself, so what's the issue
To score and cut with some precision
In the end it's her decision
Her GP misunderstands, but doesn't ask why
He shakes his head and heaves a sigh
The staff at the hospital, they all know
How to create more pain when they sew
For they do say you shouldn't leave them
For so called time wasting, they get even
The reason for this mutilation, they never ask
Embarrassed and belittled, her feelings she masks
She scuttles off, her body bloody
Wading through her thoughts so muddy
A cry of help it's often not
Because of others, treatment is sought
Left alone she'd be ok
To struggle through another day
Deep inside her pain is hidden
But when she cuts it soon is ridden
Scars are left, nightmares they hold
She keeps them hidden, she's not bold
Precious, she knows what each one means
A lifetime of torture, to her it seems

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Death

I'm not scared of death
Nor him of me
We have met many times
On a visitors pass
His arms are open for me
To quash all my past
He has a job for me
He know I'll do it well
What it is I cannot tell
Until the time is right

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Damage

Can't you leave me alone
The damage you've done can't be mended
You have won again
I can't go on fighting anymore
I've tried so hard, but admit defeat
My guard is down, the white flag up
Steal from me what you have not already
Let me die, be free
Take the memories you have left me
Take away the pain you inflicted
Let the dove fly

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Rights

Why, when you want something you can't get
Even when that one thing will resolve everything
Who has the right to take it away
Who has the right to control your desire to die

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When

When is the going to shine
When is the sun going to shine on my face
When is sleep coming and the pain going
When will I be free

When will the black clouds become white
When will the rain stop
When will my tears dry
When I die

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Falling

When will I stop falling?
Down this bottomless pit of despair
Am I really worried?
Do I really care

As I'm falling down and down
Face appear out from the walls
Hands reached out they push me further
Accelerating the face of my fall

My eyes look up
A pin prick of light they see
Voices shouting "Fiona, Fiona"
But do they mean me

But who can save me now
I've fallen down this deep
Who do the voices belong to?
Is it their help that I seek?

Who knows what will happen
Will it ever end?
Will I ever reach out to the voices?
And the help they try to send

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The Promised Land

Take me to the promised land
Said to be of such great beauty
Where the life is free and calm
Free of any known cruelty

Take me to the promised land
My body to place at rest
Amongst the flowers, trees and stillness
The place seen fit to be the best

Take me to the promised land
And free me of my pain
Release me from my prison cell
And replant me like a grain

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