This particular area of writing from me has come about as a result of me having accessed a FULL copy of my medical/psychiatric notes. At the time I wanted copies to enhance the writing of my book (which I am now adding to online instead of 'in print'). They start from my first contact with the psychiatric services in 1987 when I was 16 to 2005. I have had these notes a while now, but bearing in mind I have 3 very big folders full, you can imagine it has and is taking me a while to read through them all. My overall impression and understanding so far is that not only are there inaccuracies in 'opinion', which to be honest is to be expected as an opinion is just that. But there are also quite major inaccuracies in the FACTS of my history of upbringing, dates of which things happened and when, where I lived and with whom and certain events. I am very aware, certainly now, that a current psychiatrist is not going to wade through all these notes to form an overall idea of my life, but when put in a sequence of events from the beginning, you can see how some very small detail that is not true can subsequently expand into an opinion further down the line that is grossly inaccurate. One instance of this is for a psychiatrist to read an opinion going back 10-15 years or so and see that this has been followed right through to the present day. Any new assessment for a psychiatrist should be independent and without judgement. They should understand that people change, symptoms change and the person's environment changes. This, to me, creates something very different. At nearly 39, I know I have changed in many ways, my behaviour has changed, the way I deal with and view my mental health problems has changed, and most likely many of my symptoms have changed and some have gone completely. This is not to say that I don't experience some similar feelings and thoughts that I had when I was first unwell at 16, just that they way I perceive them and understand them is very different.

The incongruity between the two accounts of my mental distress while in hospital and out-patient services is disturbing, and I believe exposes the fundamental reason why mental health services so often fail to help people. When time permits, I shall show you how this has come about and the very different perspectives of 'professional' v 'service user'.

It's difficult to start this, so I'll need to break it down. Firstly, upon watching "Stephen Fry: The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive" which was on the BBC in 2006, there was a conflicting issue of diagnosing and medicating young people. You would probably class as under 17/16 years old. In America they have been diagnosing some children as young as 4 with a mental health diagnoses. As Stephen rightly put it, at what point do you define a mental health problem in a young person, or just very bad behaviour and attitude? I have no idea, and I would hate to be child psychiatrist/psychologist with the job of doing just that! You could also challenge that a young person/child could have significant difficulties and problems, but if enough input is available to provide the right care and counselling, it could feasibly be something that that person manages to resolve without the need for medication, in-patient treatment or any other controversial method? I'm not really sure we have any answers to that, our brains are too complex to judge outcomes and eventualities in everyone.

So, that's where that brings me - a 16 year old, with significant difficulties, a chaotic background, un-willing and unable to communicate feelings and needs, has no answers or insight in what to do next and probably seen as a very un-responsive and sullen teenager!!! well, yeah......that was definitely me! Just before I moved to Edinburgh, at 15, one of my school reports mentioned "Catherine is in the midst of the doldrums". And looking back, that was very true. At 16, I came to Edinburgh to get away from an unhappy life and while it started off, what I thought, was ok, within a few weeks my mind turned to "what am I here for?". Again, looking back, I didn't have a purpose or agenda, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life and my brain was certainly not working in the studying capacity! So, lets get off this planet and be done with!.

"Adolescent crisis" says the notes. Going back to what I first said, naturally in 1987, you certainly didn't diagnose young people at the drop of a hat, so some work had to be done to piece together my life and the way I was feeling...............TBC