It is easy to think that you have known the spectrum that exists of our human emotions. From the elation of those Christmas mornings when you received all that mattered to you in that moment in life right through to that cold and brutal realisation of death stalking life as it’s ever present companion. We live and love; we grow older and find some way in life

Some of us however uncover new emotions that can feel like a daily death, where no light can exist in the darkness of each day. That once lightness of air inhaled now feels like an unbearable weight adding to your lead filled bones. The language of this disorder cannot be understood by those that claim they care and want to help. Down, you stay down whilst the world moves further away from you.

To look it up in a dictionary and to see a face of who is at risk, it would be a mirror that reflects back anyone. Anyone can fall to its seduction but not everyone will survive. They ask how it could happen to you with the smile that never falls. The smile that hides behind the mask is falling every day.

The faceless pills that will be all you need and you can be just the same as before. Oh I was depressed for a whole week before. Snap out of it what have you got to be depressed about.

Clichéd statements that fuel the misconceptions, misconceptions that need to change.

When you ask how I feel please care about the response and don’t just say it because you want me to ask you. I know it’s hard that you have a new car and your Xbox time has been cut because of your wife. I am dying inside and my strength should be my own but I am compelled to help others so my strength becomes yours.

Help is such a small word but such a difficult concept .I would love to help, I don’t have the time; I care but not enough to really help you. Listening without saying a word can sometimes be the greatest help, when you vocalise your thoughts you go from having nothing to say to not being able to stop. You pull the thread and it keeps unravelling the problem until it no longer exists as big and fearsome as before. With no one to talk to you, take every thought you have and turn it into a prison that you create but cannot escape from.

It felt like it just fell to my feet from an invisible world, I now know it was buried beneath my feet and fought its way upwards with my every step. I knew one day that it would break through and drag me down to these cold and dark days I now call my home.

The hatred I feel for this second shadow has made me doubt the man I have become. Was I ever the boy left behind in faded photographs and broken memories? Nothing is harder than this feeling of swimming against the tide with the world tied to your feet. Some will accept their fate to float but never reach the shore; some swim and wait for the rain to stop.

Sterilising your liver with another dose of alcohol but the mind is numb to the pleasures of old. I wished away a thousand dreams to make this nightmare real. I wish for someone to remove this chair to let my neck take the strain for a while. Nooses snap, bottles smash, pills dissolved but nothing changes.

I have walked many miles just thinking of methods but there are no miles left to walk in these empty corridors. There are no more methods in these four walls. If I walk out that door there are infinite miles with no walls to protect me. I am now a wingless bird watching while others fly, longing to be one of the never born.

This is the noise that angels make as their wings burn in this blackened sun.

This is the way that devils are made in the cover of our second shadow